 |
| Speaker of the House John Boehner (R) |
vs.
 |
| Elmo |
Friday, February 25, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Kindercram This
In terms of academic performance, how would you describe your preschooler?
(A) Genius
(B) Reasonably intelligent
(C) Average
(D) Kind of dumb
The correct answer is (D) Kind of dumb.
How do I know? Because I know preschoolers. He'll scratch his ass and smell his finger, forget where he left his pants, and then start barking like a dog for no reason. Am I right? Idiots!
But you probably picked (A) or (B), didn't you? Because you love your child so much, and have so much faith in his abilities, and believe that there is a whole world of possibilities awaiting him. And one of the awesome things about being the parent of a preschooler is, you may be right! He's like an adorable little lottery ticket! This kid has as good a shot at winning a Nobel Prize as anybody else does.
And where do you plan to educate your potentially gifted child?
(A) Home school. I've got plenty of free time and an infinite wealth of knowledge and nothing better to do for the next thirteen years.
(B) A private school that will cost more per semester than my tuition at a state university, not adjusting for inflation.
(C) China.
(D) The Chicago Public School System!
If you picked (A) (B) or (C), then you should be in pretty good shape. If you picked (D), then you're shit out of luck.
That is, unless you can get your child into a "Selective Enrollment Program." CPS has 500 seats available for their "classical" and "gifted" kindergarten programs. Unfortunately that seems to be a pathetically small number, as there will be 3,337 gifted children entering the CPS system this fall. Your kid has a 15% chance of making it in, and the odds get even worse as he gets older. Only a 9% chance once he enters first grade - Some schools are rejecting students who score as high as the 98th percentile on entrance exams.
So how are you planning to help your potentially gifted child beat out all of those other snot-nosed morons for a coveted spot in the gifted kindergarten program? Why, KINDERCRAMMING, of course. All you have to do is pay a tutor upwards of $1000 for a kindercramming boot camp. Then you can pressure your kid into acing the written exam. Viola!
Aren't you just thrilled to have averted this crisis?!
(A) Yes! What a bargain! Where can I find a tutor?
(B) Yes! It's about time my four-year-old hunkered down and put his tiny little button nose to the grindstone! If he lived in India, he'd have a job rolling cigarettes for fifteen cents a day by now, for christ sake! He's lucky that all he has to do is study for a test!
(C) Wait, am I the only one who feels as though it's unethical to pressure a four-year-old into scoring well on a written exam?
(D) $1000?! Is this a fucking joke?!
Trick question - There is no correct answer. Unless you can figure out a way to completely restructure the Chicago Public School System in a way that makes it, you know, satisfactory. Because getting your kid the best possible education would be great, but providing the best possible education for all children should really be the goal, shouldn't it?
Can any parent, or any written test, really be capable of evaluating the future potential of a four-year-old child? Shouldn't we be teaching to them as though they're all gifted? When will we, as parents and as concerned citizens, finally stand up and demand some real educational reform?
Read to your children. Talk to them about current events. Take them to libraries, museums, and musical performances. Enroll them in art classes. With a little luck and a lot of hard work, maybe they'll live up to their potential in spite of the public school system.
(A) Genius
(B) Reasonably intelligent
(C) Average
(D) Kind of dumb
The correct answer is (D) Kind of dumb.
How do I know? Because I know preschoolers. He'll scratch his ass and smell his finger, forget where he left his pants, and then start barking like a dog for no reason. Am I right? Idiots!
But you probably picked (A) or (B), didn't you? Because you love your child so much, and have so much faith in his abilities, and believe that there is a whole world of possibilities awaiting him. And one of the awesome things about being the parent of a preschooler is, you may be right! He's like an adorable little lottery ticket! This kid has as good a shot at winning a Nobel Prize as anybody else does.
And where do you plan to educate your potentially gifted child?
(A) Home school. I've got plenty of free time and an infinite wealth of knowledge and nothing better to do for the next thirteen years.
(B) A private school that will cost more per semester than my tuition at a state university, not adjusting for inflation.
(C) China.
(D) The Chicago Public School System!
If you picked (A) (B) or (C), then you should be in pretty good shape. If you picked (D), then you're shit out of luck.
That is, unless you can get your child into a "Selective Enrollment Program." CPS has 500 seats available for their "classical" and "gifted" kindergarten programs. Unfortunately that seems to be a pathetically small number, as there will be 3,337 gifted children entering the CPS system this fall. Your kid has a 15% chance of making it in, and the odds get even worse as he gets older. Only a 9% chance once he enters first grade - Some schools are rejecting students who score as high as the 98th percentile on entrance exams.
So how are you planning to help your potentially gifted child beat out all of those other snot-nosed morons for a coveted spot in the gifted kindergarten program? Why, KINDERCRAMMING, of course. All you have to do is pay a tutor upwards of $1000 for a kindercramming boot camp. Then you can pressure your kid into acing the written exam. Viola!
Aren't you just thrilled to have averted this crisis?!
(A) Yes! What a bargain! Where can I find a tutor?
(B) Yes! It's about time my four-year-old hunkered down and put his tiny little button nose to the grindstone! If he lived in India, he'd have a job rolling cigarettes for fifteen cents a day by now, for christ sake! He's lucky that all he has to do is study for a test!
(C) Wait, am I the only one who feels as though it's unethical to pressure a four-year-old into scoring well on a written exam?
(D) $1000?! Is this a fucking joke?!
Trick question - There is no correct answer. Unless you can figure out a way to completely restructure the Chicago Public School System in a way that makes it, you know, satisfactory. Because getting your kid the best possible education would be great, but providing the best possible education for all children should really be the goal, shouldn't it?
Can any parent, or any written test, really be capable of evaluating the future potential of a four-year-old child? Shouldn't we be teaching to them as though they're all gifted? When will we, as parents and as concerned citizens, finally stand up and demand some real educational reform?
Read to your children. Talk to them about current events. Take them to libraries, museums, and musical performances. Enroll them in art classes. With a little luck and a lot of hard work, maybe they'll live up to their potential in spite of the public school system.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Louis C.K. is Hilarious
When comedian Louis C.K. talks about his kids, it's as though he's reading my mind and verbalizing my thoughts. I just saw Hilarious for the first time the other night, and I can't remember when I've laughed so hard - Pure genius! Please enjoy the following clip - Regrettably it cuts off abruptly at the end, but you should buy or borrow the movie and watch it in it's entirety anyway. NSFW, obviously.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Time Magazine Interviews America's Stupidest Principal
According to this article, Jenks High School (Tulsa, Oklahoma) principal Mike Means doesn't think that his school should have to serve healthy food. He apparently doesn't see what's wrong with deep fried potatoes masquerading as vegetables, fruit served swimming in corn syrup, and whole chocolate milk for lunch every day.
Principal Means thinks that high school students need to "learn how to make choices on their own - without the government breathing down their gullet." Excellent point! That's why his school encourages students to choose which classes will best suit them, as well. At Jenks High School, students may opt for Calculus or Blackjack. They can study English Literature or read Playboy Magazine. In lieu of study hall, students may choose to smoke on the corner or have sex in the parking lot. That's how kids learn about the real world!
Kids have poor judgment and lack impulse control. That's why we have to TEACH THEM to do the right thing. If we give them the choice between healthy food and crappy food, they will learn that salt, fat, sugar, and MSG taste delicious! If we give them a choice between two healthy foods, they will learn that eating well and feeling healthy make them smarter and more productive. (And better looking!) They will learn how simple and beneficial it is to make the RIGHT choices in the real world.
And the government isn't really going to be force-feeding anything to anyone, right? Just not allowing you, Mike Means, to provide the poison that is killing our children. They can still bring junk food from home, and many will, because many parents are ignorant and irresponsible, but please don't try to sabotage the hard work that the rest of us are doing!
Just for the record Mike, here are some Oklahoma statistics that you may not be aware of, even though Time Magazine apparently sees you as some sort of expert on the subject:
Time Magazine asks, "Will kids eat the healthier stuff?"
I respond: What the hell kid of stupid question is that? They'll eat what we damn well give them or they'll go hungry. Perhaps Principal Means should be seen but not heard at the lunch table.
 | ||||
| Yum! |
Principal Means thinks that high school students need to "learn how to make choices on their own - without the government breathing down their gullet." Excellent point! That's why his school encourages students to choose which classes will best suit them, as well. At Jenks High School, students may opt for Calculus or Blackjack. They can study English Literature or read Playboy Magazine. In lieu of study hall, students may choose to smoke on the corner or have sex in the parking lot. That's how kids learn about the real world!
Kids have poor judgment and lack impulse control. That's why we have to TEACH THEM to do the right thing. If we give them the choice between healthy food and crappy food, they will learn that salt, fat, sugar, and MSG taste delicious! If we give them a choice between two healthy foods, they will learn that eating well and feeling healthy make them smarter and more productive. (And better looking!) They will learn how simple and beneficial it is to make the RIGHT choices in the real world.
And the government isn't really going to be force-feeding anything to anyone, right? Just not allowing you, Mike Means, to provide the poison that is killing our children. They can still bring junk food from home, and many will, because many parents are ignorant and irresponsible, but please don't try to sabotage the hard work that the rest of us are doing!
Just for the record Mike, here are some Oklahoma statistics that you may not be aware of, even though Time Magazine apparently sees you as some sort of expert on the subject:
- In Tulsa County, 34% of 3rd to 5th graders are overweight.
- Fifteen percent of Oklahoma teenagers are considered severely overweight or obese - a 300% increase in the last 20 years.
- Half of adult Oklahomans are overweight, and one in five is obese.
Time Magazine asks, "Will kids eat the healthier stuff?"
I respond: What the hell kid of stupid question is that? They'll eat what we damn well give them or they'll go hungry. Perhaps Principal Means should be seen but not heard at the lunch table.
 |
| You'll eat it and you'll like it, Punk! |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)