Being a parent makes me more convinced of this than ever: If you don't want to be a parent, you shouldn't be.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
B is for Budget
Crisis averted, people! No need to march on Washington! Lay down your pitchforks and don your thinking caps. I need you to check my math.
As you may recall, an epic battle between good and evil has culminated with Speaker of the House John Boehner (below right) threatening to cut funding to NPR and PBS.
That is to say, Congress is debating the implementation of Sesame Street Death Panels. Scary stuff. I guess it has something to do with a budget crisis?
So I started thinking about how we might be able to save Elmo. President Obama's 2012 budget includes $451 million for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. That doesn't sound like so much. Perhaps we might trim a few benjamins from elsewhere in the budget?
Hey, I know, let's start with the House of Representatives! How much do you think their yearly budget is? I have no idea either. If you can find an actual dollar figure anywhere, please let me know. It's almost as if that information is being intentionally buried for some reason...
Oh well. Let's do the math:
223,500 That's the yearly salary for the Speaker of the House
+
386,800 That's the yearly salary for House Majority and Minority Leaders (193,400 x 2)
+
75,168,000 Yearly salary for the Representatives (174,000 x 432)
+
32,625,000 That's an "office expense account" for "computer and related services" (75,000 x 435)
+
1,502,490,000 Whoa! That's the staff. Each Rep has 22 aides making up to $156,848 a year. Oh, and that's a 2005 figure, by the way. (157,000 x 22 x 435)
Which all adds up to the spectacular and astounding figure of
Well, well. Looks like we started looking in just the right place! (Although honestly, I bet there are plenty of right places. That's part of what makes this whole Elmo de-funding plot so diabolical, don't you think?) Okay, time to trim the fat!
Hear me out for a moment: A recent study from Princeton University finds that money does buy happiness, "up to about $75,000 a year. The lower a person's annual income falls below that benchmark, the unhappier he or she feels. But no matter how much more than $75,000 people make, they don't report any greater degree of happiness." Well, that sounds fair.
Let's pay each of our Representatives $75,000 a year. And since that number is the Big Happy, we'll pay each of the 5 aides (They're lucky I'm allotting them that many!) working for each Representative the same $75,000 a year. Computer and related services? Are you kidding me? I'll give each Rep $12,000 a year for "office expenses."
Hopefully they'll be able to survive on that, which still adds up to an over $200 million bill for the taxpayers. A small consolation may be the many perks they receive in the form of domestic and foreign travel expenses, Franklin Privileges, and, ahem, "outside employment income," which I'm sure doesn't involve anything illegal, immoral, or depraved.
So, let's see, how much money would we save... add that... carry the one...
So we could save $451 million by killing Elmo, OR we could make a few completely reasonable changes to the obscene amount of money that we're pouring into the House of Representatives and save ourselves $1.4 BILLION. I say we go ahead and fund the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and then with what's left over we can help fund all of the other child and family friendly services that are on the chopping block, such as
Yes, government is too big and spends too much money. But before we start cutting programs that aid the poorest and most helpless amongst us, let's try to identify some areas where money is being wasted without any benefit at all to the general population.
John Boehner gets a hard on every time he hears a child cry. Nothing illegal about that, exactly. But let's not let his disgusting kink destroy the fabric of our society, if at all possible.
Now, I wonder how much money we're wasting on the Senate?
You're next, motherfuckers.
As you may recall, an epic battle between good and evil has culminated with Speaker of the House John Boehner (below right) threatening to cut funding to NPR and PBS.
That is to say, Congress is debating the implementation of Sesame Street Death Panels. Scary stuff. I guess it has something to do with a budget crisis?
So I started thinking about how we might be able to save Elmo. President Obama's 2012 budget includes $451 million for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. That doesn't sound like so much. Perhaps we might trim a few benjamins from elsewhere in the budget?
Hey, I know, let's start with the House of Representatives! How much do you think their yearly budget is? I have no idea either. If you can find an actual dollar figure anywhere, please let me know. It's almost as if that information is being intentionally buried for some reason...
Oh well. Let's do the math:
223,500 That's the yearly salary for the Speaker of the House
+
386,800 That's the yearly salary for House Majority and Minority Leaders (193,400 x 2)
+
75,168,000 Yearly salary for the Representatives (174,000 x 432)
+
32,625,000 That's an "office expense account" for "computer and related services" (75,000 x 435)
+
1,502,490,000 Whoa! That's the staff. Each Rep has 22 aides making up to $156,848 a year. Oh, and that's a 2005 figure, by the way. (157,000 x 22 x 435)
Which all adds up to the spectacular and astounding figure of
$1,610,893,300
Well, well. Looks like we started looking in just the right place! (Although honestly, I bet there are plenty of right places. That's part of what makes this whole Elmo de-funding plot so diabolical, don't you think?) Okay, time to trim the fat!
Hear me out for a moment: A recent study from Princeton University finds that money does buy happiness, "up to about $75,000 a year. The lower a person's annual income falls below that benchmark, the unhappier he or she feels. But no matter how much more than $75,000 people make, they don't report any greater degree of happiness." Well, that sounds fair.
Let's pay each of our Representatives $75,000 a year. And since that number is the Big Happy, we'll pay each of the 5 aides (They're lucky I'm allotting them that many!) working for each Representative the same $75,000 a year. Computer and related services? Are you kidding me? I'll give each Rep $12,000 a year for "office expenses."
Hopefully they'll be able to survive on that, which still adds up to an over $200 million bill for the taxpayers. A small consolation may be the many perks they receive in the form of domestic and foreign travel expenses, Franklin Privileges, and, ahem, "outside employment income," which I'm sure doesn't involve anything illegal, immoral, or depraved.
So, let's see, how much money would we save... add that... carry the one...
$1,409,923,300?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
So we could save $451 million by killing Elmo, OR we could make a few completely reasonable changes to the obscene amount of money that we're pouring into the House of Representatives and save ourselves $1.4 BILLION. I say we go ahead and fund the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and then with what's left over we can help fund all of the other child and family friendly services that are on the chopping block, such as
- Community Health Centers
- Food and health care assistance for pregnant woman, infants, and children
- Head Start preschool classes
- Financial aid for low and middle income college students
- Planned Parenthood
- Housing vouchers for veterans
Yes, government is too big and spends too much money. But before we start cutting programs that aid the poorest and most helpless amongst us, let's try to identify some areas where money is being wasted without any benefit at all to the general population.
John Boehner gets a hard on every time he hears a child cry. Nothing illegal about that, exactly. But let's not let his disgusting kink destroy the fabric of our society, if at all possible.
Now, I wonder how much money we're wasting on the Senate?
You're next, motherfuckers.
Friday, February 25, 2011
House of Representatives Votes to Cut Funding For PBS
 |
| Speaker of the House John Boehner (R) |
vs.
 |
| Elmo |
Monday, February 21, 2011
Kindercram This
In terms of academic performance, how would you describe your preschooler?
(A) Genius
(B) Reasonably intelligent
(C) Average
(D) Kind of dumb
The correct answer is (D) Kind of dumb.
How do I know? Because I know preschoolers. He'll scratch his ass and smell his finger, forget where he left his pants, and then start barking like a dog for no reason. Am I right? Idiots!
But you probably picked (A) or (B), didn't you? Because you love your child so much, and have so much faith in his abilities, and believe that there is a whole world of possibilities awaiting him. And one of the awesome things about being the parent of a preschooler is, you may be right! He's like an adorable little lottery ticket! This kid has as good a shot at winning a Nobel Prize as anybody else does.
And where do you plan to educate your potentially gifted child?
(A) Home school. I've got plenty of free time and an infinite wealth of knowledge and nothing better to do for the next thirteen years.
(B) A private school that will cost more per semester than my tuition at a state university, not adjusting for inflation.
(C) China.
(D) The Chicago Public School System!
If you picked (A) (B) or (C), then you should be in pretty good shape. If you picked (D), then you're shit out of luck.
That is, unless you can get your child into a "Selective Enrollment Program." CPS has 500 seats available for their "classical" and "gifted" kindergarten programs. Unfortunately that seems to be a pathetically small number, as there will be 3,337 gifted children entering the CPS system this fall. Your kid has a 15% chance of making it in, and the odds get even worse as he gets older. Only a 9% chance once he enters first grade - Some schools are rejecting students who score as high as the 98th percentile on entrance exams.
So how are you planning to help your potentially gifted child beat out all of those other snot-nosed morons for a coveted spot in the gifted kindergarten program? Why, KINDERCRAMMING, of course. All you have to do is pay a tutor upwards of $1000 for a kindercramming boot camp. Then you can pressure your kid into acing the written exam. Viola!
Aren't you just thrilled to have averted this crisis?!
(A) Yes! What a bargain! Where can I find a tutor?
(B) Yes! It's about time my four-year-old hunkered down and put his tiny little button nose to the grindstone! If he lived in India, he'd have a job rolling cigarettes for fifteen cents a day by now, for christ sake! He's lucky that all he has to do is study for a test!
(C) Wait, am I the only one who feels as though it's unethical to pressure a four-year-old into scoring well on a written exam?
(D) $1000?! Is this a fucking joke?!
Trick question - There is no correct answer. Unless you can figure out a way to completely restructure the Chicago Public School System in a way that makes it, you know, satisfactory. Because getting your kid the best possible education would be great, but providing the best possible education for all children should really be the goal, shouldn't it?
Can any parent, or any written test, really be capable of evaluating the future potential of a four-year-old child? Shouldn't we be teaching to them as though they're all gifted? When will we, as parents and as concerned citizens, finally stand up and demand some real educational reform?
Read to your children. Talk to them about current events. Take them to libraries, museums, and musical performances. Enroll them in art classes. With a little luck and a lot of hard work, maybe they'll live up to their potential in spite of the public school system.
(A) Genius
(B) Reasonably intelligent
(C) Average
(D) Kind of dumb
The correct answer is (D) Kind of dumb.
How do I know? Because I know preschoolers. He'll scratch his ass and smell his finger, forget where he left his pants, and then start barking like a dog for no reason. Am I right? Idiots!
But you probably picked (A) or (B), didn't you? Because you love your child so much, and have so much faith in his abilities, and believe that there is a whole world of possibilities awaiting him. And one of the awesome things about being the parent of a preschooler is, you may be right! He's like an adorable little lottery ticket! This kid has as good a shot at winning a Nobel Prize as anybody else does.
And where do you plan to educate your potentially gifted child?
(A) Home school. I've got plenty of free time and an infinite wealth of knowledge and nothing better to do for the next thirteen years.
(B) A private school that will cost more per semester than my tuition at a state university, not adjusting for inflation.
(C) China.
(D) The Chicago Public School System!
If you picked (A) (B) or (C), then you should be in pretty good shape. If you picked (D), then you're shit out of luck.
That is, unless you can get your child into a "Selective Enrollment Program." CPS has 500 seats available for their "classical" and "gifted" kindergarten programs. Unfortunately that seems to be a pathetically small number, as there will be 3,337 gifted children entering the CPS system this fall. Your kid has a 15% chance of making it in, and the odds get even worse as he gets older. Only a 9% chance once he enters first grade - Some schools are rejecting students who score as high as the 98th percentile on entrance exams.
So how are you planning to help your potentially gifted child beat out all of those other snot-nosed morons for a coveted spot in the gifted kindergarten program? Why, KINDERCRAMMING, of course. All you have to do is pay a tutor upwards of $1000 for a kindercramming boot camp. Then you can pressure your kid into acing the written exam. Viola!
Aren't you just thrilled to have averted this crisis?!
(A) Yes! What a bargain! Where can I find a tutor?
(B) Yes! It's about time my four-year-old hunkered down and put his tiny little button nose to the grindstone! If he lived in India, he'd have a job rolling cigarettes for fifteen cents a day by now, for christ sake! He's lucky that all he has to do is study for a test!
(C) Wait, am I the only one who feels as though it's unethical to pressure a four-year-old into scoring well on a written exam?
(D) $1000?! Is this a fucking joke?!
Trick question - There is no correct answer. Unless you can figure out a way to completely restructure the Chicago Public School System in a way that makes it, you know, satisfactory. Because getting your kid the best possible education would be great, but providing the best possible education for all children should really be the goal, shouldn't it?
Can any parent, or any written test, really be capable of evaluating the future potential of a four-year-old child? Shouldn't we be teaching to them as though they're all gifted? When will we, as parents and as concerned citizens, finally stand up and demand some real educational reform?
Read to your children. Talk to them about current events. Take them to libraries, museums, and musical performances. Enroll them in art classes. With a little luck and a lot of hard work, maybe they'll live up to their potential in spite of the public school system.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Louis C.K. is Hilarious
When comedian Louis C.K. talks about his kids, it's as though he's reading my mind and verbalizing my thoughts. I just saw Hilarious for the first time the other night, and I can't remember when I've laughed so hard - Pure genius! Please enjoy the following clip - Regrettably it cuts off abruptly at the end, but you should buy or borrow the movie and watch it in it's entirety anyway. NSFW, obviously.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Time Magazine Interviews America's Stupidest Principal
According to this article, Jenks High School (Tulsa, Oklahoma) principal Mike Means doesn't think that his school should have to serve healthy food. He apparently doesn't see what's wrong with deep fried potatoes masquerading as vegetables, fruit served swimming in corn syrup, and whole chocolate milk for lunch every day.
Principal Means thinks that high school students need to "learn how to make choices on their own - without the government breathing down their gullet." Excellent point! That's why his school encourages students to choose which classes will best suit them, as well. At Jenks High School, students may opt for Calculus or Blackjack. They can study English Literature or read Playboy Magazine. In lieu of study hall, students may choose to smoke on the corner or have sex in the parking lot. That's how kids learn about the real world!
Kids have poor judgment and lack impulse control. That's why we have to TEACH THEM to do the right thing. If we give them the choice between healthy food and crappy food, they will learn that salt, fat, sugar, and MSG taste delicious! If we give them a choice between two healthy foods, they will learn that eating well and feeling healthy make them smarter and more productive. (And better looking!) They will learn how simple and beneficial it is to make the RIGHT choices in the real world.
And the government isn't really going to be force-feeding anything to anyone, right? Just not allowing you, Mike Means, to provide the poison that is killing our children. They can still bring junk food from home, and many will, because many parents are ignorant and irresponsible, but please don't try to sabotage the hard work that the rest of us are doing!
Just for the record Mike, here are some Oklahoma statistics that you may not be aware of, even though Time Magazine apparently sees you as some sort of expert on the subject:
Time Magazine asks, "Will kids eat the healthier stuff?"
I respond: What the hell kid of stupid question is that? They'll eat what we damn well give them or they'll go hungry. Perhaps Principal Means should be seen but not heard at the lunch table.
 | ||||
| Yum! |
Principal Means thinks that high school students need to "learn how to make choices on their own - without the government breathing down their gullet." Excellent point! That's why his school encourages students to choose which classes will best suit them, as well. At Jenks High School, students may opt for Calculus or Blackjack. They can study English Literature or read Playboy Magazine. In lieu of study hall, students may choose to smoke on the corner or have sex in the parking lot. That's how kids learn about the real world!
Kids have poor judgment and lack impulse control. That's why we have to TEACH THEM to do the right thing. If we give them the choice between healthy food and crappy food, they will learn that salt, fat, sugar, and MSG taste delicious! If we give them a choice between two healthy foods, they will learn that eating well and feeling healthy make them smarter and more productive. (And better looking!) They will learn how simple and beneficial it is to make the RIGHT choices in the real world.
And the government isn't really going to be force-feeding anything to anyone, right? Just not allowing you, Mike Means, to provide the poison that is killing our children. They can still bring junk food from home, and many will, because many parents are ignorant and irresponsible, but please don't try to sabotage the hard work that the rest of us are doing!
Just for the record Mike, here are some Oklahoma statistics that you may not be aware of, even though Time Magazine apparently sees you as some sort of expert on the subject:
- In Tulsa County, 34% of 3rd to 5th graders are overweight.
- Fifteen percent of Oklahoma teenagers are considered severely overweight or obese - a 300% increase in the last 20 years.
- Half of adult Oklahomans are overweight, and one in five is obese.
Time Magazine asks, "Will kids eat the healthier stuff?"
I respond: What the hell kid of stupid question is that? They'll eat what we damn well give them or they'll go hungry. Perhaps Principal Means should be seen but not heard at the lunch table.
 |
| You'll eat it and you'll like it, Punk! |
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)